When You Quit But Your Partner is Still Drinking
dis·har·mo·ny
/ˌdisˈhärmənē/
noun
lack of harmony or agreement.
"we will become evermore a nation of social disharmony"
Many of my clients that are working on their own relationship with alcohol are in relationships with people who still drink. For some of them, this causes a great deal of frustration. They feel unsupported because they are trying to take on this big, difficult challenge, cutting way back or quitting alcohol when they see their partner’s disinterest (or sometimes even antagonism) towards this goal.
Recent studies highlight that nearly 4 in 10 U.S. consumers are exploring a "sober curious" lifestyle, primarily for physical and mental health reasons . This cultural shift underscores the importance of open, empathetic communication in relationships where drinking habits differ.
So how do you navigate overcoming alcohol when your partner is uninterested in change?
Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Test
It’s vital to remember that when it comes to drinking, we are on our own personal journey. In reality, the only person that we have any control over is ourselves. This is both empowering and weighty. When we accept responsibility for ourselves, it is empowering because we can actually start affecting real change in our lives. We aren’t allowing someone else to dictate if we feel okay or not.
Accepting responsibility for ourselves can also feel very weighty because it means that we own the good and the bad of our experience, our choices, our frame of mind. We own our growth or stagnation.
And we have to realize that our own happiness or sense of wholeness cannot be contingent on someone else changing.
Your Joy is Contagious
No one wants to be preached to. Even when you are right, if you shove your beliefs down someone else’s throat, they are going to resist you. Instead of proselytizing to your loved one about the benefits of change or the negative health impacts of alcohol, allow them to see how lighter, freer, and more joyful your alcohol-free life is.
If you really want to get someone to make a change in their life, make sure that the change in your own life is visible!
Check Out Their Perspective
Think about how you changing taking back control over alcohol might look to them. They might perceive you holding yourself to a higher standard and feel worried that you are going to outgrow them or leave them behind.
Navigating Conversations When Your Partner Isn't Ready to Change
If you're working on your relationship with alcohol while your partner continues to drink, it's natural to feel a mix of emotions—frustration, isolation, even resentment. You're embarking on a transformative journey, and it can be disheartening when your significant other doesn't share the same path.
1. Choose the Right Moment
Timing is crucial. Initiate conversations when both of you are calm and free from distractions. Avoid discussions when emotions are high or after your partner has been drinking .
2. Use "I" Statements
Express your feelings without casting blame. For instance:
"I've noticed that when I choose not to drink, I feel more energized and present."
"I'm finding that reducing alcohol helps me manage stress better."
This approach centers the conversation on your experiences, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness.
3. Acknowledge Their Perspective
Recognize that your partner may have concerns or feel threatened by your changes. They might worry about growing apart or fear judgment. Validating their feelings can foster mutual understanding.
4. Set Boundaries Respectfully
It's okay to establish boundaries that support your journey. For example, you might say, "I prefer not to have alcohol in the house while I'm focusing on my sobriety." Communicate these needs clearly and kindly.
5. Focus on Shared Goals
Highlight mutual aspirations, such as improved health, better communication, or more quality time together. Emphasizing common objectives can bridge gaps and reinforce your partnership.
Remember, your journey is personal, and it's okay if your partner isn't on the same path. By maintaining open communication and setting healthy boundaries, you can navigate these differences with compassion and resilience.
For more insights on managing relationships and alcohol, consider exploring resources like Rethinking Drinking or This Naked Mind.
